Yazhmothers and would-be fathers - it seems that these are the main characters of our time. There is no third. If you are a mother, then you must be a woman of the eightieth level: raise exclusively geniuses, make good money, look better than your Instagram friend. And if you are a father, then in 80% of cases you are a loser man who blundered both in marriage and in relations with a child. The actress, journalist, teacher, mother of two adult sons Yana Poplavskaya discusses in her column on the Letidor about women - hostages of society and about men from whom this very society has not left a wet place. If you want to share your story with us, write here. Listen to the intonation with which the words "father" and "mother" are pronounced now. A mother is something like a bullet, a hurricane, a locomotive, a marathon runner (choose what is closer to you). She runs all the time, she signs up for trainings where they talk about how to do even more, she goes to parent-teacher meetings, she makes crafts for the child (well, or finds another supermom who knows how to do this). Everywhere in the family SHE! It would seem great! No one argues that a woman in most cases is power and a moving force. But these "horses" were driven into a trap. And society drove them there. There used to be a socialist competition, but now it's a competition. Now on TV they talk about incredibly talented children. Now your neighbor Lucy's 2-year-old son is teaching French. Now your favorite blogger left the hospital with her fifth child and promised that she would return for the sixth, because “if you allocate time correctly, set goals and just go to them, you will have time to do everything”. Now your friend, the same age, went live on Instagram and you did not find a single wrinkle on her face. Now you have watched some TV series about the ideal life of ideal mothers, where children do not spit food, and lunch is always served like in an expensive restaurant. All of this, as advertising for gum enters the brains of young women. And you worry: what's wrong with you, why don't you have time to wash your hair, why is your stomach not so tight, why doesn't your son play the violin at the age of three? You have become a hostage of social-Easter pictures that have nothing to do with REAL life! There are social lies all around! You can't do everything, you CAN'T! These are fairy tales. Because children get sick, children study poorly, and women are real people, they do not get enough sleep from time to time (and when children are small, they don’t get enough sleep in principle), their head really hurts and their back falls off. Most likely, that blogger shot a video from the hundredth take, and then edited it, and your friend put a filter on Instagram to cover up the traces of a sleepless night. But no, a modern woman must correspond, a modern woman cannot give up and be worse than anyone else. And because of this, she receives the first number from society, because it is she who does not work well with the child, since he does not have time in school, it was she who paid little attention to her son, since he grew up and turned into such a bad person, she is a bad mother Once from a friend of my husband I heard the following phrase: "They wanted matriarchy, so get it" So we got to men, to modern fathers. More often than not, his “functional” in the family is limited only to making money. Or this very man is simply not in the family. The modern woman has occupied almost all of the space. Including the man's space. Let's remember how many programs, podcasts are now for moms, and how many are for fathers? The answer is obvious - there is almost nothing for dads. Everything is filled with conscious motherhood and unconscious fatherhood! And then we return to the fact that the majority of doctors in polyclinics are women, and teachers in schools are women. Nowadays, few planes, saws, nails in labor lessons, few are engaged in the development of male professions that are necessary in everyday life. What does a modern superwoman do when an emergency happens in the house? That's right, she calls her “husband for an hour,” or she takes the hammer in her hands. What does a modern superwoman do when, after work, she has to drive to parents' meeting in traffic jams across the city? Finishes work early, because she can take time off, and the man has a "strict boss". In most cases, it is easier for a modern woman to do almost everything herself. Everything was different in my childhood. I spent most of my time with my dad. My dad went to parent-teacher meetings, together we made something, he taught me to draw, ride a bike and skate, he had the patience to do his homework with me. It is this image of a man - a father who teaches, educates, communicates, and walks with the child - that remains in my memory. In general, everything that I am, all this was invested in me by my father! Now there are very, very few such fathers. In the modern world, tired women carry everything on themselves. It is not always their sincere desire to be such a superman. They just have no other choice - they have to bring up children, and drag their husband on themselves (and this man, most likely, was brought up by women who believe that such is the fate of women). I recently heard a joke. The man says to his wife: “Lucy, a robot vacuum cleaner is something amazing. Only now I have a question: why do I need you? " I asked my husband where to laugh here. To which Zhenya answered me: "Here you have to cry, not laugh." Like it or not, the Overton window is the kind of thing you can't get away from. Constant ridicule of men, constant sketches about how narrow-minded they are - all this affects what we call society. If other men were shown around, if society more often spoke about the need for both partners to perform equal functions in marriage, if father and mother were equally involved in the fate of children, then everything would be different. Let's take a look at a simple example. People got divorced and are discussing how their further interaction with the child will be built. In the United States and Europe, the law protects children, where in most cases parents would be obliged to spend the same time with their children. In our country, most likely, after a divorce, a man will wash off, and some will do everything to avoid paying alimony. How does the female side of society treat such a man? To put it mildly, he is not a hero for them. Such a man will hear a hiss from the series "Fu, you are not a man!" And the mother-in-law of this character will directly tell her daughter: “I told you, he is nothing of himself! It can only multiply! " This conclusion is formed among women (and most of these stories are very similar): “You are donkeys and scoundrels, insignificant peasants! Only on us the world rests! " The most unpleasant thing in this story is that these conversations are constantly being conducted in front of the children. This little boy or girl who grows up in such a family absorbs these words like a sponge. Children still do not understand anything in life, but they are already growing up with the awareness that a certain male representative brings only problems to the family. These boys and girls end up in schools, in medical institutions, where women “run the show” (and more than half of them are “the injured party”). It's like a beehive, a vicious circle. In my columns, I constantly try to convey that a man and a woman are, in principle, different universes. This must be admitted. A man constantly needs support. Is this how we raise children? We give the baby a spoon in his hands, he drops it, we once again correctly put it into the handle. When the child takes the first step and falls, we help him to get up, saying: “It's okay! You're doing fine! Go ahead! You are the best!" You are a wonderful "coach" for your children. But in an amazing way, when people get married and they have their first admiration for each other (the notorious candy-bouquet period), instead of supporting each other in life, they begin to engage in rotten oppression. Instead of saying: “Oh, dear, you nailed something crookedly on the cornice. Let's outweigh it together, "these women say:" What do you have with an eye? You didn't see that he weighs crookedly, huh? Your hands are growing out of the wrong place. " After such pleasantries, no one wants to do anything else! “You can, you will succeed” - these are magic words! When you do not give a man a second try, but immediately spread rot, you will not get the result you want, but a global problem. They spread rot, and at the same time, without realizing it, they are looking for social admiration and this title of "supermom", "superman". For them, this is a medal, a confirmation that she can do the impossible. When problems begin in the family (and their peak most often falls on the period when the child is small), the woman runs in front of the locomotive and begins to solve them. Why? Because her mother, her grandmother did it. This "Run, grab, do" enters flesh and blood. I do not blame anyone, I do not justify anyone, I just lay out the situation on the right and left hand. Because thanks to this vicious circle, it turns out that a man's help is not needed (a man is a biological material, they say), a woman can handle everything herself. It seems that there should be a man, but in fact he is just there, and there is little sense from him. The maximum he makes money (and even then it is not always enough). Do you think I'm exaggerating? And you go shopping and understand everything. The man becomes some kind of whipping punch - he parked in the wrong way, walked slowly, bought something wrong, looked in the wrong place. How is that possible? From my point of view, a woman, raising a child, should cultivate in him, among other things, respect for a man. Yes, this, unfortunately, does not always work. But this cannot fail to work out in 80% of cases (out of 100% of marriages). So this is a colossal social problem! The child needs a father, he needs him. He should have a reference to a man in his life. And since it does not exist, concepts begin to get confused and "parent 1" and "parent 2" appear. Everything is confused, the parents become sexless. The destruction of social and psychological ties begins. And the next generation suffers from this. That's the problem! We do not have an image of a father, an image of a man who should be forged from these notorious irons. Society must rebuild itself and support men. When the image of a man, head of the family, father constantly flashes before your eyes, then the effect of imitation will arise (remember how men admired the cool roles of Bruce Willis, who saved his family and the whole world). And now the words “What a good husband you have! What a wonderful father he is”- like a New Year's delicacy. Unfortunately, the New Year in our society happens more often than the opportunity to see such a father is provided. Well, if in the cinema this average man is now shown as some kind of fool, if he is constantly interfered with with dirt, what will we get in the end? Nothing good! If you constantly scatter manure, then society will begin to feed on it. This is socially sophisticated bullying of notorious unsuccessful husbands and fathers. It grows and germinates like a tumor! We need to rebuild the psychology of society so that it puts a man from the hundredth place to the first, second, third, as Olympic champions are awarded. It is very important! When I see the story of a guy who divorced his wife because she abandoned her child with Down syndrome and is raising a baby herself, I cry! It is necessary to talk more often about such men, because there are very, very many strong, intelligent, strong-willed and decent men! Once again, our children are raised by divorced women,who prefer to talk about their past in an exclusively negative way, blaming men for all the troubles. Look, I also made certain mistakes at some point. My youngest son did not communicate with his father after the divorce. But I told him: “Nikita, you know, you need a father. As a husband, he is bad for me. But what kind of father he is to you, you must decide for yourself. No matter how hard and upset it is for me, I think about you! " My Klim gets up to his son at night, he bathes him, walks with him, despite the fact that he works very hard. He says: "Ilarius is so tiny, but when he pulls his hands towards me and smiles, I forget about everything." I will say this: if you invest a lot, then you value more and get more in the end. No need to protect men from raising children! It doesn't matter that after eating with dad, the whole table is dirty, it doesn't matter that a man dresses a child for 40 minutes. Everything is fine! This is where contact begins. Create the legend of the perfect husband and father. Then a person will adapt to this legend, because each of us, to one degree or another, wants to be a hero, to be better in the eyes of others. Give your man this opportunity. Then this very legend will become a happy reality! Photo: Instagram @ the_yana_poplavskay Read other columns of Yana Poplavskaya: Many women do not work, believing that everyone owes her for the birth of a child I tested my son for drugs It is easy to understand that your husband is cheating on you is easy If you want your son to be happy, then do not meddle in him family Those who say they love their children the same are lying What to do if your child is homosexual How to marry your son and not ruin your relationship with him When my son was bullied at school, I taught him how to fight I went through all the circles of hell with my hyperactive a child Having a child after 50 is crazy Let's be friends on social networks! Subscribe to us on Facebook, VKontakte and Odnoklassniki!
