Recently, there has been a lively discussion on the Web about how to praise children correctly. The author of the post expressed the opinion that the girl should be praised just for what she is, and the boy - solely for achievements. Otherwise, he will grow up to be a narcissistic narcissist. And to strengthen the character, the future man must learn to deal with problems from the cradle and learn to achieve female love. It must be admitted that most of the ideas about the upbringing of boys are rather harsh - a minimum of affection, praise and enthusiasm. This is the only way to raise a real man that every woman dreams of. How fair is this approach? And how do real men turn out in general? We are talking about this with the famous sexologist and psychotherapist Yevgeny Kulgavchuk. Of course, I believe in you - Evgeny Alexandrovich, is praise so harmful for future men or not? - For a good, adequate self-esteem of children, regardless of age and gender, it is important to love with unconditional love, regardless of achievements or other indicators. It is important to talk about this, to emphasize the uniqueness of the child. With regard to praise, this phenomenon is more suitable for situations where it is necessary to reinforce any actions or indicators. It can only complement the words of love and acceptance. Praise for action or, for example, appearance, should by no means be the only source of validation of significance. With this upbringing model, we get in the future women who are panicky afraid of losing their appearance and getting old, as well as men who are panicky afraid of becoming losers in bed or in business. Both those and others are convinced that without functions and without appearance, they have no value. - It is believed that a girl should be praised and caressed - the more, the better. And you can't caress the boy. And praise should be different than the girl, that is, so that he felt capable. This difference is dictated primarily by future children in the future, different parenting roles and some other social functions. Do you agree with that? - A boy who has not received affection from his mother, who is the prototype of his woman in the future, may later become the one who does not love all these "calf tenderness", and his woman may suffer from the fact that he does not know what tenderness is or prelude. Or it will look like a hero from the movie "Hello, I am your aunt," who said: "I am an old soldier and I do not know the words of love." The most charming and attractive - Another widespread opinion is that if a girl is praised correctly, then, having matured, she will attract men by itself and make them want to take responsibility for her - moral and financial. And it is from this that the component of female happiness is formed. And the boy supposedly only grows up to be a happy man, when the most beautiful and affectionate of women prefers him, and he will cope with the role of her protector and breadwinner. There is at least some rational grain in these statements? - Partly yes. But as for "the most beautiful" - I would add: for him the most beautiful. The fact is that some girls still in school learn to monetize their beauty by learning to use boys. And in the future, this may contribute to the fact that such a woman learns to choose not with her heart, but “the right party”. And marriages only by calculation, without feelings, often turn out to be a project that does not bring happiness. - The other day the dad of one already, however, a grown-up boy, said that the boy himself is not interesting if he has not achieved anything. Therefore, the boy should be praised not for what comes easily to him, but for what he achieves, overcoming himself or circumstances. Otherwise, a man will not grow out of a boy. - This approach is often passed down from generation to generation. And this is one of the ways to make a neurotic out of a son. I would advise you to watch the movie "The Langoliers" and pay attention to the relationship between father and Mr. Toomey. And ask the question whether this father loved his son and whether he wanted him to be happy. Or does the father himself have significant unresolved problems that require the depth of psychotherapy in order to correct the fate of this kind? - How true is the statement that a boy should be praised by women, and a girl, especially by men, so that there are no distortions in sex education? - I think these praises are different in essence and both should be present. That is why it is important to try to keep a complete, happy family, where there is both mom and dad. - One more statement - women should more often thank the boy for his help and deeds. But it is better for men to praise him: for a boy, this is a factor of recognition as similar and equal. Dad should just admire a girl, but it's better to praise her for a woman, especially if for her diligence and beauty. How fair is this? - This idea is correct, since dad for a girl is a prototype of a man. Mom is a type of woman. It is known that a man is “red in deeds”. It provides reliability, protection, and this must be an active position. A woman is a bank, this is stability. A representative of the same gender teaches by example, it uses imitation after identification, teaching and reinforcement. In sexology, this is called sex-role behavior. Of course, the boundaries are not rigid here, and there is nothing wrong with the fact that the dad will praise the daughter for the delicious cookies she baked for the first time, and the mother will express her admiration for her son if he helps her fix the stool. Thus, gender support is imitation, learning, and reinforcement, while opposite sex support is admiration and appreciation. Calf tenderness - And there is a lot of controversy about whether it is necessary to caress boys in childhood? It is believed that all these calf tenderness - hugs and kisses - are still for girls. And for boys, they only spoil the character and even sexual orientation. How really? - Mom can caress her son, putting him to bed, or hugging, if, for example, he is frightened. And this will be a good starting point for him in the future. He can be more confident in himself, he can become a good lover. And the language of touch for him will not be an empty sound. I sometimes advise a boy to get a cat so that he learns to stroke and feel it. And he will be more harmonious in the future in bed. No wonder they say that women are somewhat similar to cats. As for mother's tenderness - do not worry, later the son, as a rule, separates himself, and he no longer needs mother's tenderness, he will begin to be ashamed of this. Everything has its time. - Another fear - if dad caresses the boy, he can definitely grow up gay - From dad, friendly pats, strong hugs, handshakes are still more appropriate. Usually fathers themselves intuitively feel this, and here, as a rule, there are no problems. - Many dads are afraid to show affection to their daughters. Especially when they reach adolescence, again for fear of possible distortions. How justified is this? - If we are talking about tenderness for a girl before the appearance of sexual characteristics, such as menarche, breasts, then if the father shows tenderness, praises, admires, all this is only good. Slightly older - just as boys begin to distance themselves physically from their mothers, girls begin to distance themselves from their fathers. And here hugs and strokes on the head are really more appropriate. It's time to learn to respect boundaries. And this is also an important period. The girl must already learn not to tolerate touch, but to be able to beautifully avoid them. This will come in handy in the next stage of sexual development, when the suitors are too persistent. - Until what age can children be fondled at all? Some believe that this is appropriate only in early childhood, while others continue to hug and kiss children, even when they have already become adults. - It is important to feel the boundaries. Someone even in adulthood is comfortable when he is "squeezed", hugged and kissed. And someone already at 14 is uncomfortable. It is important to be able to feel, to know what tact is - yes, tact in relation to those close to you. Do not try to "rape with happiness" your already adult child and do not impose guilt on him if he does not want to "lisp" with you. After all, to love is to be concerned not with your feelings, but with the fact that the one you love is good and comfortable. - What is the role of praise and affection in the upbringing of a self-sufficient personality, which will then be carried in personal and sexual life? - I am convinced that this is one of the important foundations in the upbringing of a personality. This is what will influence the entire fate of a person. In my work as a sexologist, psychotherapist, family psychologist, I constantly come across negative scripts from my parental family. And it takes a lot of energy to free a person from destructiveness and help him believe in himself, help him spread his wings. Therefore, I urge everyone who is reading these lines now: praise your children, admire them, inspire them, tell them about their uniqueness, believe in them. Remember that the word "education" is from the word "nourish." Feed them with confidence, love of life, purity of thoughts. And rest assured: such seeds will surely give excellent shoots.
2023 Author: Nancy Gustman | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-20 20:08