“Dee Dee,” a two-year-old junior pulls off my blanket. "Where to go, Dove ?!" David chose me as his morning nanny. I didn't go to my mother, to me. Thank you for the honor, but I really wanted to get some sleep.
A couple of weeks ago, this charming bastard smashed the 52-inch screen of a remarkably working TV, depriving himself of cartoons, and my wife and me - the opportunity to watch films when finally both spinogsters fall asleep. My reaction to the news of the death of the TV? Complete calmness. This is the best thing to do when you have children.
No, of course, sometimes they make you switch to an inhuman roar, starting in the depths of the chest. "Yes-ah-ah!" And at this moment the cunning man grabs you by both cheeks and kisses you with gusto: "M-muah." This deprives your anger of the fulcrum.
Is it possible not to yell at children at all? Well, try it. I don't always succeed. Probably, some psychologist will immediately give me several "parental" diagnoses. Just keep in mind, you, a connoisseur of human souls: if you do not have children of your own, I will laugh in your face for a long time and annoyingly.
It seems that when it comes to raising children, you cannot afford to say: "All the most difficult is over." Never at all.
Here he crawled. You don't have to worry that you are behind the development schedule. Here he went. Well, now, at least from the sofa he can get off, and not collapse head down. So he began to speak. Well, now he can tell where it hurts, if that. So he got to Domestos. Well, now you can. What ?! Oh, you scoundrel, you can't drink this!
Sockets, windows, medicines, "Domestos" and other chemicals, no matter how you hide it, are a standard and far from complete list of threats. Moving to our home, we prudently did not paste the wallpaper. I would like to say so, but in reality there was simply not enough money. By the end of the first year of living in the only room where the wallpaper was, because our relatives gave it to us, it was possible to find all traces of the life of the youngest son on them. Plasticine, paints Not everything was possible to wipe off.
It seems that when it comes to raising children, you can't afford to say, "I'm really good at raising him." Never ever.
Six-year-old Alishka, it seems, began his transitional age ahead of time. The child, who had previously been a model of wisdom and gravity, suddenly began to resist us even in small things. You can repeat something to him three times, and the expression on his face will remain so innocent, serene that you already doubt whether he heard what you just almost yelled at him. And when you already become a face that face and yell for the fourth time, he replies with indignation: "Yes, I understand, I understand," and continues not to do what was demanded of him.
And once I decided to flirt with him:
- Anything can happen. Well, suddenly I die. See, I'm already gray-haired.
- And you will appear on another planet?
- Call me from there.
- What if I lived badly and therefore will not appear on another planet.
- Dad, don't talk bullshit!
Until the age of three, Ali did not really speak. Now you can follow him with a notebook and write down.
- Are you going to be a khinkal? - I ask.
- No. It looks a lot like bread. And it annoys me.
Here it is necessary to explain that Ali has no problems with bread, he eats it willingly. The essence of the complaint about khinkal is that it lacks flavor originality.
It seems that when it comes to raising children, a parent will almost always understand the parent.
But do you know what annoys me as a parent about other parents? If they do not make even a tiny remark to their children, when a kid, for example, leaves traces of his soles on you and does it in a clear mind and with tremendous pleasure. Mother, give him at least once to show it, and I swear to God, I will even let this child dance a lezginka on my head.
You know what irritates me as a parent in people who, at the slightest pretext, reprimand other people's children: who is ill-mannered? Everything about them annoys me. Well, prastiti.
And yes, at some point, communication with children can become routine. But the Elder for the first time in his life got together with an overnight stay with his cousins. How, what, why, maybe not? It was not so easy to be separated from him for the whole day.
To some, such an attachment to children may seem unnatural for a man. But the children will grow up, they will no longer be so cute, maybe they will move away - you will no longer cuddle, you will not kiss, as before. And if a man has things to do that seem to him more important and more interesting than being with his children when they are small, I don’t even know if he should be jealous.
But I must warn future fathers: two or three days with children without female help, and you are a feminist. The main question is: how does she do it? How does he still manage to stand on his feet in the evening? How not to go crazy sitting within four walls for weeks (and there is nowhere to go to Makhachkala with children, especially if the family does not have a top manager of Gazprom and there is not enough money for everything)? How to go to the toilet, if even for a minute you cannot leave your child unattended, without fear of climbing the window? It seems that in our country there is a very weak female lobby. It is not clear to me why a mother who sits at home and is engaged in raising children does not receive a salary for this at least at the level of an ordinary office worker.
Esquire quotes father of four and internationally acclaimed actor Matt Damon: “Becoming a father is the biggest fear in men. And the most important thing is when you have already become one”. As for fear, I cannot confirm: apart from anxious expectation and delight, I do not remember anything. I don't know what's next, but being a dad for six years and still is my favorite job. I hope both chiefs are at least happy with me. Otherwise, at the very beginning of the text, Dove would have chosen me in the morning.
I heard about some dude who gathers full houses, advocating the abandonment of offspring for the sake of a "full life". Well, what can I say? There is, of course, the other extreme - sectarian parents. "Do you have children? How not? Oh man, you're not a father."
In general, it is not clear what the problem is: in both positions - parental and child-free - there are so many undeniable advantages that they do not need additional PR. Both are varieties of selfishness. Just being a parent is cooler than not being. That's all.