When Pushkin wrote that "all ages are submissive to love," he was not yet 30. However, the poet still did not say a kind word about love “at a late and barren age”.
Elena Malakhova, sexologist, psychotherapist:
After 40 years of age, everyone is afraid of love. Some do not even believe in it: since hormones are not raging, then there can be no violent attraction - one cold calculation. Nevertheless, they want her. And in search of love, or - camouflaged - "relationships", both girls 25 years old and women over 60 turn to the psychologist. With the latter it is more difficult. But more interesting.
As a rule, women after 30 years already have experience of relationships with men. Although, of course, there are exceptions, but in this case it is usually about pathology.
It is important what the experience was. If he was positive, but the relationship ended (for various reasons), then the chances are high that the woman will be happy again. Oddly enough, the inconsolable widow has more chances to create a harmonious family than the one who divorced her husband. No wonder popular wisdom says: "Widows are comforted in bed."
Monsters from the past
Why is the negative baggage of past relationships dangerous? The fact that a woman, already taught by bitter experience, will either abandon any attempts altogether, or will unconsciously transfer her fears and projections into new relationships, destroying them.
For example, one of my clients in her first marriage lived with a real monster. For 15 years, he used it for his perverted fantasies - he stuffed various objects into the vagina: from zucchini to bottles and sticks. And one day she woke up from the fact that he thrust a sharp metal object into her, literally tearing everything inside her.
Only after that did she decide to divorce. In her second marriage, this woman was constantly haunted by the fear that this could happen again. She dumped her experiences in the form of claims on her husband. The husband, unable to bear it, gave her an ultimatum: either you are being treated, or a divorce.
Of course, this is an extreme option. There may be more typical reasons that accumulate negative perceptions of relationships: betrayal, divorce, conflict relationships, manipulation.
Often, the circumstances that prevent you from getting closer to a new partner are not at all so scary: unwillingness to compromise due to your established character and lifestyle. We don't get more flexible with age. It is increasingly difficult for us to accept the opinion of another person - his advice and even his concern are perceived as an encroachment on our personal freedom.
There is such a fairly well-known psychological exercise that helps to prepare yourself for a paired existence: divide the leaf into four columns, in the first you describe in detail what qualities in the chosen one are extremely important to you, in the second - disadvantages that are completely unacceptable to you, in the third - those with which you can accept, and in the fourth - what can you offer to the chosen one.
Cooperation should be mutually beneficial: it is strange if you want a man to be handsome, smart, strong, rich and generous, but instead offer yourself "who is"? Women after 40 are strong because they already know "what they are" and for what they can be loved.
The more evenly the table is filled, the higher your chances in the matrimonial market.
And one man brought me a table, where he described in great detail the mandatory requirements for the chosen one, the column of the unacceptable was also well equipped, in five paragraphs he described his capabilities, and in the column with the title “what you can put up with” he did not write anything at all. A large list of claims to the other and no criticism to yourself …
Another enemy of love relationships in adulthood is hushing up your feelings. Anyone, good or bad. This type of interaction always negatively affects relationships, not just love ones.Not understanding something, not possessing complete information, a person can think of anything, take offense, hang a label … Therefore, talk to each other, share your experiences. If this is your man, then he will respect you even more for it.
Negative experiences of past relationships create multiple fears for current relationships. What are these fears?
I quote my clients:
I’m afraid he’s so caring only as long as we don’t live together.
I'm afraid to do something wrong.
I'm afraid I'm too old for love.
I'm afraid that she will go to a young and slender one.
I'm afraid to be the first to say that I love him.
Another of the most common fears in this situation is the fear of being sexually unattractive to a man. It usually occurs when a woman has not had sex for a long time. I already wrote about this in the article "Virgin, take two: how to get back to sex after a long break" and even gave specific recommendations.
Mature "girls" most often have children from their first marriage - and this is another cause for concern: how my children will accept a new man. And - panicky - "What if they don't like him?"
Such problems arise in women who have lived in the interests of children for a long time. The emergence of a "competitor" can irritate the child and create grounds for his manipulation. Children are excellent manipulators. I am convinced that patience and long conversations will eventually lead you to an agreement. Just keep in mind that the child is not your property, he will grow up and create his own family. The opposite is equally true: you are not the child's property, you are entitled to your own happiness.
Exercise "Fantasy of fears"
This is a psycho-technique that helps to effectively get rid of most of your personal monsters. Its mechanism of action is literally homeopathic: like cures like. We often run out of fear, but we need to look into his eyes.
Choose a time (preferably dark) when you can be alone. Lock yourself in the room, turn off all extraneous sounds, set the alarm for 30 minutes. And start vividly imagining all your worst fears, as if they had already happened: he is not caring, he went to a young and slender one, you forgot how to have sex, children dropped out of school in protest … You can be afraid as long as you have enough strength, but not more than 30 minutes. The alarm rang. You got up. We washed ourselves. And they began to live their normal life. The exercise should be repeated every day for at least a week and think about fears only in the time allotted for this (30 minutes).
And remember: we never get more in life than what is in our head. Therefore, if there is a need, urgently disassemble your mental garbage and throw it into a landfill. There he belongs.
You can find your soul mate at any age on Rambler. Dating.