How To Deal With Toxic Parents When You Are No Longer A Child

Health 2023
How To Deal With Toxic Parents When You Are No Longer A Child
How To Deal With Toxic Parents When You Are No Longer A Child

Video: How To Deal With Toxic Parents When You Are No Longer A Child

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Video: 8 Toxic Things Parents Say To their Children 2023, February
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We like to repeat that all problems come from childhood. Any psychologist will confirm. And often, even in adulthood, we blame the parents for the failures: they were disliked, not given enough, were too strict. The baggage of grievances hailing from childhood drags on for years, poisoning the relationship between already adult children and elderly parents. Especially if the latter like to complain about life and tear you into a consistently bad mood. How to build a relationship in this case? Dealt with an expert.

Aina Gromova Psychotherapist, blog author @doctor_ayna

The main difference between a mature person and an infantile

The tendency to blame their parents for their problems allows immature people to shift responsibility for what is happening in their lives to someone else. The more childish a person is, the more often he speaks of his dislike. Without thinking about the fact that at the age of 35-40 + he is no longer a pink-cheeked baby, but an adult. This behavior confirms the fact that psychological maturity is a parameter that does not depend on the passport age. The more mature a person is in front of us, the less resentment she has against the past, the more sober a person evaluates his actions.

Each of us has our own background and not all of us had a cloudless childhood. Nevertheless, when a mature person comes to an appointment, he, as a rule, answers the question about his parents without resentment or pretensions - he is not inclined to blame his parents for his current problems. Immature people are always prone to looking for someone to blame, and parents are their most popular targets. A mature person sees the connection between today's results and their actions.

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How does the formation of personality take place?

When the baby was just born, he had not yet formed as a person, this is understandable. The prerequisites for development must be in the environment. At the same time, parents can be immature and raise a child in their likeness, passing on their luggage. Often immature parents raise immature children. Moreover, such a model of upbringing as overprotection, as well as coldness, guarantees the upbringing of a child with problems in the future. The next important point: the lack of knowledge about how the basic functional of the personality is formed. 98-99% of people have signs of immaturity of one degree or another. People suffer from inadequate self-esteem (from underestimated or overestimated), almost everyone has negative attitudes - hence the distorted perception of the world, feelings of anxiety, overexertion, psychosomatic disorders.

What is a mature personality? The one that has support. For example, healthy self-esteem: a person should evaluate themselves based on their achievements, and not depend on praise or criticism from another. A person must be able to correctly restore his emotional state. If he doesn’t know how, he will do it through other people, through alcohol, unhealthy food, that is, he will need nourishment from the outside, which always leads to addiction. Communication skills are also important: to be able to communicate with different people, and not with those with whom it is convenient and comfortable. Plus, be able to solve your problems yourself. This is what the mature personality includes. If he is, then it will be possible to build such relationships with other people, in particular with parents. A mature person is able to see the attitude of others towards himself and develop a response line of behavior., Pexels.com

If you have toxic parents and communication is difficult for you, then you need to develop a certain interaction code, in which not only parents will complain about their problems and health, but you will also be able to communicate in positions that will be convenient for you. Choose topics for communication that are neutral in nature. Distant if necessary. You don't have to call every 15 minutes to ask what kind of dream your mom had this time. You don't have to be a bucket into which negativity and bad moods are constantly poured. In principle, you should not be responsible for the emotional state of your parents - adults form it themselves. And there are no standards for how many times to call parents. You need to call when you have a need for communication. There should be no obligation.

How not to repeat the mistakes of parents when raising your own children?

I advise you to ask a specialist in advance how healthy self-esteem is formed, how not to convey your own negative attitudes to your child. You need to be interested in this even before the child appears in the family. When complaining about your parents, think that they are not to blame, because they themselves were raised in this way. And in most cases, parents want the best for their children. Previously, there was not so much information on the topic of upbringing, family relationships, almost no one talked about it, almost no one turned to psychotherapists - this was not accepted.

And if your parents were psychopathic, you basically have the right not to communicate. But do not burn yourself from the inside, waste emotions on resentment, because they are investments of your emotional strength. To get rid of resentment, you need to grow internally and nurture the functionality that you lack. Fortunately, now you have all the conditions for this.

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