Sociologists interviewed Russians to find out how many children they are going to have. Most of all people answered that there were two. However, another thing was found out: 9 percent of those asked admitted that they planned to be childless. The figure is not great, but it should be borne in mind: in general, there are fewer convinced childfree in Russia than in Moscow. So, according to the annual social survey "Moscow and Muscovites", in 2016, the childfree strategy was chosen by seventeen percent of the capital's residents. What prompted them to make this decision? MOSLENTA asked a 36-year-old Muscovite who basically did not want to have children about this. She asked not to mention her name: "I am a little afraid of the tubs of shit, which will surely spill over my head." What's already here: these suspicions are fully justified.
"I am freaked out how hard you can press on a woman."
“Let's immediately decide on the main thing: I'm not against children as such, I just don't want to have them for certain personal reasons. At least for now. And why this happens, I can explain.
Have I always thought this way? No. For a long time, I basically didn’t think about whether I wanted or did not want to have children. That is, I did not have any clearly expressed position on this topic. I was generally lucky: at 23, I left my mother for another city, a more or less permanent young man started up at 24, so no one pressed me on the topic of childbirth for a long time.
Photo: Maxim Blinov / RIA Novosti
Even what I manage to save is enough for me at most for a kopeck piece in Khimki. That is, in fact, I will work in Moscow, but live outside the city, get up at 6 in the morning, shake in the train first in one direction, and then in the other. I'm not ready for this. I don’t want to.
But then, when I, 26, was just dating my future first husband, this is what happened: we went to meet his mother. It was then that I was freaked out by how much pressure a woman can be to force her to give birth to a child. Because from the point of view of my fiance's mother and all her friends, 26 years old - it was already very late. "Maybe you should?" "Maybe it's time already?" they told me. I tried to explain to them that my boyfriend and I have known each other for only a year, that we probably need to get to know each other better, somehow get used to it, and improve our living conditions. And in response they told me nonsense from the series "there will be a bunny, there will be a lawn", that, they say, "we somehow lived".
Thank God my fiance shared my position. In general, we are still friends with him and parted not because we never had children, we just stopped loving each other at some point. But, yes, then it was very difficult for me to formulate why I do not want my children to live “somehow”. And now, ten years later, I can already do it. So here
"My" want "for me is the most important thing in the world!"
Firstly, as a person who grew up in a one-room apartment, where, besides me, my mother lived, sometimes my grandmother, and also sometimes my father, with whom my mother sometimes converged, sometimes disagreed, I understand that such conditions are simply tough. The child should have a place where he can retire, close, sit in silence, hang a sign “Do not enter!” On the door, knowing that no one will enter! Otherwise, I am sure, a person will grow up who will go to a psychologist for a very long time because he does not understand what personal boundaries are. Personally, for me, who lived for many years in an apartment where everyone often slept side by side, where it was impossible to stop some kind of conversation if you didn't want to talk, where you couldn't lie down so as not to hear how lazy I was and that I would “sleep all my life”, and also “why are you tired if you don’t work!”, it was very difficult to build such boundaries.The child needs his own room, where he can digest all his experiences alone! And I'm not sure that I can handle both a child and a good rented apartment. And my second husband shares this position, because for a person who lives in Moscow, earns ordinary money and wants to live well not sometime in the future, but now, it is unrealistic to buy real estate.
Photo: Elena Gorbacheva / Kommersant
"We rented a room in Biryulyovo, from a family of alcoholics"
“So maybe you shouldn't live in Moscow? Or not to go on vacation abroad, but to invest everything in a mortgage? " someone might ask. The answer is: then I will lose several priceless years of my life, but, the devil only knows, maybe, in principle, I don't have much time left? In addition, even what I manage to save will be enough for me at most for a kopeck piece in Khimki. That is, in fact, I will work in Moscow, but live outside the city, get up at 6 in the morning, shake in the train, first in one direction, and then in the other. I'm not ready for this. For me, this is a loss of quality of life. I don’t want to. And at some point I realized that my "want" is more important to me than anything else in the world.
"Talking about a bunny and a lawn is complete nonsense"
But there are many more reasons.
There have been moments in my life when we were completely without money. I remember when, on New Year's Eve, in 2008, I sat on the floor in a rented apartment and sobbed, because both my husband and I were delayed in salaries, and we did not even have money left for food. Then, pretty much running around his friends and acquaintances, my husband borrowed 10,000 rubles.Since then, I often mentally turned to this situation. What if then he would have brought home not 10,000, but 2,000? What then? Would we only eat rice and infusions? What if we had a child then? What if this child needed medicine? Clothes and normal food?
You see, yes: talking about a bunny and a lawn is complete nonsense! This is a huge snag, Russian perhaps, which millions of people fall into, and first of all women. Or else Tell me, why are people confident that everyone is given to be good parents? Not everyone is able to drive a car and a helicopter, draw cool, translate professionally. So: I don't know what kind of mom I would have turned out to be. I think it's not bad for a child, but for myself I'm not sure that I would be comfortable living. Yes, my son or daughter would have a good kindergarten, a good school, I would not only carefully monitor how my child is dressed and shoes, but also his emotional state. And she would have driven herself terribly with all this. I'm afraid for my future
Why Muscovites will soon stop giving birth
Well, and finally, perhaps most importantly, a few years ago I had an accidental frozen pregnancy. I was two and a half months pregnant. And every morning all this time I woke up with horror: what if my child is sick with something? And I imagined what it was like to give birth to a sick child and raise him in our country. Yes, it's tough! It is difficult for a healthy person to walk along constantly repaired roads in winter, but what if you imagine that your child has cerebral palsy? Keep it at home all the time? And if he has Down syndrome, despite the fact that our society is completely intolerant of such people? And if a child has amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), that is, a disease that, you know for sure, cannot be cured? And you know that he will die, but you do not know when. Or cancer. My friend's five-year-old daughter died of cancer. As an adult, I know myself well. And I understand that as soon as I find out that my child is doomed, I will just lie down and die with him, because I definitely will not be able to survive it.
"This garbage does not work with a child!"
There are a lot of women around me who share my views. As a rule, these are representatives of the middle class, earning about 250 thousand a month for two. And everyone's motivation is very similar: it seems to me that now more and more people are guided by personal comfort and personal feelings. Those who are now 30-35 years old do not want to adjust themselves to some generally accepted outdated patterns and standards. They say, “I don’t want to! But maybe I want to at 45.And maybe by that time medicine will allow me to do it. Or maybe I'll adopt someone. But to jump into the last carriage and have a child now, because "later we may regret not having brought him", we will not do that!"
Photo: Irina Buzhor / Kommersant
The bet in this roulette is my own life, which at the moment suits me perfectly. I live exactly the way I want. I like it every morning, every day and every evening. Well, and, suddenly, with the birth of a child, everything will not be so?
Yes, my mother rather persistently asks my grandson or granddaughter: "while I can still help you." But I do not want! I don't want to give birth to a child in a rented apartment, because it will destroy the comfort of the whole family. I don’t want to get into a mortgage because I don’t want to change the conditions of my life. Because I'm not sure if I'm ready to become a mother and give the child what he needs.
Listen, in order to learn how to drive a car, people go to a driving school for several months, drive on the roads with an instructor, then pass exams at the traffic police for a long time, undergo a medical examination and only after that they independently get behind the wheel of a fucking car that can be sold at any time … This bullshit doesn't work with a child! This is for life, and on a pure impromptu, and I'm not the kind of person who makes bets in a game in which he does not fully know the rules. Therefore, for me to have a child is like playing Russian roulette. Maybe he will be born healthy, or maybe he will be sick. Maybe he will live to a ripe old age, or maybe he will die at the age of 5 from cancer. Maybe it will be completely easy for me to be with him, and I will write him into my life without any problems, or maybe not. And the bet on this roulette is my own life, which at the moment suits me perfectly. I live exactly the way I want. I like it every morning, every day and every evening. Well, what if everything will be wrong with the birth of a child?
They ask me: "What if you regret it?" Well, ok, I'll take a child from an orphanage. But, dude, what if I regret it when I give birth ?! What should I do then ?!