Children are not only a great joy, but also a huge responsibility. It is not surprising that many parents step on the same rake in raising their child. Well-known psychologist Asya Abovyan, a participant in the parent conference MamaPapaFest, which will be held in Izhevsk on April 27, will tell about how to survive a child's tantrum and learn to say no without losing his trust.
Born: July 12, 1980
Educator-psychologist, author and presenter of trainings on parent-child relations
Topic on MomDadFest It's Difficult to Be a God Parent
I work in the following directions: art therapy, gestalt therapy, coaching, perinatal psychology, behavioral psychotherapy, systemic family therapy, fairy tale therapy, body-oriented therapy, existential psychotherapy
What kind of parents are they like children?
What do parents most often complain about?
Most often, the problem sounds the same: Is there something wrong with my child and I don't know what to do next? … It makes me sad that most parents ask the same question: Why is there something wrong with my child? … Because first of all, you need to ask yourself a question: What is wrong with me? … On the other hand, it's great that a parent comes along and says: I don't know what to do with this. This means that he takes responsibility for the problems on himself. Asya Abovyan, educational psychologist, author and presenter of trainings on parent-child relations
Why does this happen?
It used to be customary to live as a large family with grandparents in the same house. Therefore, knowledge and experience were passed from generation to generation in an accessible form of sayings, sayings and so on. The older generation has always been at the head of the family. Now we live mostly separately, and grandparents have taken the place of nannies who do not educate, but look after the children. These are the current realities. The second important point is that life in all areas has changed, which means that the old methods no longer work at the moment.
But there are many courses and specialists who are ready to help parents.
There is a lot of information from fellow psychologists and teachers. But due to the abundance of information, it is difficult for parents to navigate and choose what exactly suits their child. This is exactly what we are dealing with during consultations.
Let's go back to the problems parents face. One of the questions is whether it is necessary to talk with children about forbidden topics?
It is in this that the parents' concern is manifested to talk with the child about such forbidden topics as money, religion, sex and even death. Of course, it is best if mom or dad comes to a specialist and finds out for themselves. And how can I talk about this with my child? … Because most often the difficulty is that the parent himself is afraid to talk about this topic. But having got rid of this fear at the reception of a psychologist, a specialist, he himself will find the words that will suit his child.
Is it possible to judge by children about their parents?
In general, the word to judge is very rude. We will not judge. You can make some assumptions: how the child behaves, what rules are in the family, what he learned from his parents. If your children went to kindergarten or are now attending, remember, even educators will tell you that these shmakozyavki behave completely differently with and without parents. Teens are experimenting even more in their interactions with adults and peers. By the way, at the Govorun FM school, we invite children to communicate with adults on you, this is a valuable and unusual experience for them. And this is definitely not what the parents taught at home.
And if the child calls the parents by name, that is, the words mom and dad have ceased to appear? Is it okay?
In my opinion, this is also such a test of the pen, a test for a child: how will adults react, will it be acceptable, and can I apply it somewhere else? In such cases, one cannot say that he has ceased to perceive his parents as mom and dad. I would suggest asking the child why he began to call you by name, with whom is it important for him to talk to you?
Recall that at the parent conference MamaPapaFest, the candidate of pedagogical sciences, the author of the books Freedom from education, Love cannot be brought up, Modern pedagogical art: No alphabet, the founder of the school of non-formal education Orange Dima Zitser will speak at the parental conference MamaPapaFest.
Listen actively to children
How to communicate correctly with a 7-year-old child if she defends her point of view and it is impossible to convince him?
To begin with, be happy and proud of your child, who at the age of 7 can defend his point of view. In fact, the main question is: why and in what way do you need to convince a 7-year-old child? And maybe questions: What do you want? What do you want it for? Why is this important to you? will resolve the situation. If the child continues to stand his ground, remember, at the age of 7 it is difficult for a child to abandon his point of view. Even if he understands what can be done differently. Here active listening works: I understand you, I hear you, it is important for you to do just that. Let's think, see, choose options, and how can we do so that you feel good and I feel good. So that you can do what you want, and I was calm as a mother for your health, for your studies, and so on.
Photo: Dilya Akhmadishina
In Julia Gippenreiter's book Communicate with a Child. How? active listening is the literal repetition of the child's state. That is, when a child loses his temper and tears the hair on his head, just state his condition: you feel bad now or you are angry now. And why is this done? And how is this implemented in our country?
This is a great topic about mirroring and emotional intelligence. I respect Julia Gippenreiter very much, her books were among the first for me as a mother on the topic of how to communicate with a child. In fact, in our society, it is customary to hide some feelings, not to advertise them, and children see this. Therefore, he needs to be taught to understand feelings and be able to name them. This is where mirroring comes in when the parent tries to tell the child his feelings. He tries, because the parent can also not guess, maybe there is anger behind the sadness? You need to offer options: I see that you are now sad or I assume that you are angry now. And then the child has the opportunity to choose the most appropriate word that describes his feeling at the moment. As a result, the parent begins to understand him better. Therefore, active listening is a very, very important interaction with the child.
But you said to him: I see or feel that you are angry now, and then what?
The most magical begins next. Sometimes it is enough for a child that the parent guessed right, named his condition and let the child get angry. Gave the opportunity, and did not say A-y-yay, now stop getting angry. I see that you are angry, but this is not good, so you cannot do it in any case. Yes, I see that you are angry, I am sorry that something upset you and continue to take a pause, the child himself will live this emotion and calm down himself, and then it will be possible to find out with him what he wants. The openness of the parent is very important: not to impose advice on him, but to give him the opportunity to calm down, to live this emotion, and then tell him what he wants.
What do you see at school, as a mother and as a specialist?
My son is now at school 91, which pays a lot of attention to communication with parents. I was surprised when, for example, teachers came and started with the words: You have wonderful children! … At first I thought that they had come from some kind of study or they had some kind of test. In the third year I got used to it being normal.Only after this phrase do they give any wishes and comments on how to improve their studies. The main thing is that it doesn't sound there. They are really sincerely happy for the children and admire when the guys manage to do something. And only then, when they share the positive, they say: You know, in order to improve, we should also have this, this and this.
Mom, buy it!
The child says: Mom, buy it! … How to proceed?
Often the simple answer is no. Sounds simple. But it can be difficult for a parent to experience this child's tantrum himself, when he gushes with emotions, and plus there are a lot of kind people nearby who advise what to do. Because of such well-wishers, parents are at a loss and do not know what to do. Take a deep breath and exhale and say: No, I can't buy this for you now. If possible, suggest choosing something else, for example: What kind of bread will you buy today? We usually buy this bun. Let’s choose today. At this moment, the child needs to satisfy his own desire, to do as he wants, to manage the purchase. And when we give the child the opportunity to do this, he will calm down faster.
It's like a moment like this: Would you like the soup?, and you will be soup or porridge?, Yes?
Quite right. While this sounds like manipulation, it is still an opportunity for the child to choose.
And if the child takes the task of cleaning his room, cleaning up toys as a punishment?
How did it happen that cleaning your room became a punishment? Maybe this is how it happened historically in the family? In any case, you need to sit down and talk, explain that we live in the same house, where there are certain rules. Separately about the child's room: the rules there should not be so general. There must be some area where I want to clean up this toy, but I don’t want this one. Again, we deny the right to choose even in our room, and then we are surprised when the child tells us no to everything. Where can he exercise his right to choose? We explain to the child that we have general rules, but in his room they are slightly different. But as a parent, I can ask, demand that this minimal order in your room be maintained. And you can tell him: That's when you have the opportunity, when you grow up, you will have your own house, there you will build your rules. By doing this, we give the child the right not to drag our psychological heritage into his family. He will set his own rules, he will have the right to choose what and how to do in the future, in his family.
Carrot and stick for a child
It is very difficult to admit that you are behaving incorrectly with your child. And more often, probably, parents come to you with serious problems. Is there a list of situations that might prompt a parent to see a specialist? Or what questions to ask yourself?
If the parent feels powerless, misunderstood, confused. When it seems to him that something is wrong with the child, it is just the parent for a consultation. When those books and advice that a parent has received from others does not work, because every child has his own personality. First of all, before counseling, a parent should ask himself the following questions: Am I a good enough parent?, Am I doing everything right? Is my child happy enough?, Is my child able to communicate with peers? …
Is it worth praising yourself to a parent for some counter steps with the child? For honest conversations? And how to do it correctly?
We do not know how to accept praise in a way that would be useful to us. Therefore, you need to praise yourself, but the question is how to do it and why? For many, praise is something of course, it seems that we will not get it anymore. No, tomorrow will be a new day, you will do something new with your child or something already familiar and you can praise yourself for it. Because you do it and find the strength to do it.
Are there any good examples of books or cartoons that you recommend watching or reading with your child?
Read and watch with the child what he needs.Sometimes reading a children's fairy tale helps to understand a lot about life. And the point is not in the text itself, the point is how the parent and the child discuss it later. For example, my parents often come to me about a divorce. A very good film on this subject Mrs. Doubtfire. There, at the end, the main character answers the girl to the question: But what, now we live with mom and dad in different cities, are we now not a family? … To which he says, they say, no, you remain a family. Wherever you live, whatever relationship you develop between adults, you are still one family. You can discuss after watching this film: What options for families do you know? … And after such a conversation, it becomes clear to the child that there are different options, where the mother leaves for Moscow to work, and the children stay with their grandmother. And the child becomes calmer that everything is in order with his family. The point is not in films and books, but in how parents discuss this with their child.
Do you need to combine a stick and a carrot? And how to behave when the child has done something dangerous, when the emotions of the parents are mixed with anxiety for him?
The very first thing is to somehow limit. To say stop or not, to grab the child. The second moment to describe your feelings: I am very afraid for you. This is a very dangerous thing. You need to learn how to use it. The third point is to arrange a small experiment. There are a lot of experimental things in stores, when you can get a weak current, and just show a child how dangerous it can be. The classics of the genre lit a candle with fire, we raise our hand softly: Do you feel warmth? But this way it is even warmer, and if you bring it completely into the fire it will be very hot and dangerous. In a safe environment, you must show how dangerous it is.
You can ask Asya Abovyan within the framework of the parent conference MamaPapaFest (0+) on April 27, where she will tell you in more detail how to establish trust in the family. Doctor of pedagogical sciences Nina Erofeeva and pediatrician Tatyana Temnikova will also share their advice. Fathers of the city with many children Maxim Konovalov and Dmitry Danilov will tell about their personal experience in raising children.
You can find out more about the event and buy tickets on the website mamapapafest.ru.
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