Child Fighting: How To Raise Children Without Punishment

Child Fighting: How To Raise Children Without Punishment
Child Fighting: How To Raise Children Without Punishment

Video: Child Fighting: How To Raise Children Without Punishment

Video: Child Fighting: How To Raise Children Without Punishment
Video: 10 Ways to Discipline Your Children 2023, September

The upbringing of children in our country is taken over by mothers. And fathers do it better. This is how the writer Dmitry Yemets, the father of seven children, does it.


Kira Sidorova:

- I wanted to ask Dmitry Yemets a question, what can be done so that the children do not fight among themselves. My three daughters (11 years old, 6 years old and 2 years old), if they share toys, they cannot do without a fight, if they argue, then the dispute necessarily develops into a fight: they pinch, bite … Although each individually is a peaceful and friendly girl. What can be done?

There is a wonderful book that I would gladly recommend to all parents. By Katherine Kwols “The Joy of Parenting. How to bring up children without punishment. This is the best book on pedagogy and family conflict resolution I have ever read. I also recommend a small but very useful book by Ekaterina Burmistrova “Irritability. The method of overcoming”.

The situation described in the letter is very clear. Children share toys, territory, parental attention. And there was also a new player - the two-year-old youngest child. She needs, of course, to take everything for herself, squeeze into the world, claim her rights, and she does not stand on ceremony with her sisters. Although a calm child, he certainly invades their space, takes pencils, toys, tears books, etc. And the six-year-old, of course, is also not ready yet to become a suffering link: to give away all the toys, to give in … Fights and pinches begin.

I think the girls will very soon stop fighting if other family members do not accidentally add fuel to the fire: that is, they themselves will not lose their temper, yell, spank, punish, try to look for the right and the wrong.

Here the option is also softened by the fact that the age difference between children is quite large. If the difference was a year or two, there could be fights without rules at all, and so an 11-year-old girl is unlikely to seriously deal with a two-year-old. Rather, the conflict begins between children close in age, and the third child is drawn into it. This is called being infected with a stronger emotion. It's like in the office of a transport company, where there are many tired customers and nervous drivers at once. First, one swears, boils, infects the other, the third, and soon almost the entire office is screaming. It's good if they don't use a fire extinguisher on the head. So we are all arranged that we become infected with emotions from each other, even if we don't want to.

We have terrible screams under our windows from time to time. Two neighbor girls. The older one offends the younger, also pinches, jerks. The youngest instantly begins to "play the victim", screams terribly, hysterics, calls for her mother. Works exceptionally skillfully for the audience, just an actress of a burned-out theater. Their mother, a very emotional woman, jumps out, the sounds of spanking are heard. Of course, the elder is punished. The youngest always stands with a contented look, her arms folded over her chest. And then the older one, of course, plays out on it, because the mother is not always at home. Well, in general, the problem here is not in the children. If the mother reacted calmly, the children would not be aggressive.

The most dangerous thing that may be is that parents will start to break down on an older child. You are the elder, therefore, by definition, you are guilty. I had to think, not climb, give in, sink into the ground, foresee everything for everyone … In all large (even two-child) families, the eldest child is always the most vulnerable. Remember this and always give the elder more attention. Kids know how to get it and win it back: they will pretend to be, and cry, and their ear will hurt when necessary, but the older one usually does not know how to do anything. He is like a poor ugly duckling, which everyone only pecks and pecks, and so - until they are completely pecked. The most problematic children in large families are not the younger ones, but the older ones. They should be given maximum love. They are your allies, your assistants.

However, parents themselves often start to boil from a child's cry, lose control, and since it seems like it’s awkward to break off on babies, the elder gets the full program. The younger ones giggle quietly into their fists. And it turns out that the older child is made a vindictive neurotic, and the younger - snitches and provocateurs. And these roles can take hold for life, unfortunately.

And I also discovered this for myself. Parents often arrange their parental life in such a way that everything in the family happens only through mom or dad. Children do not know how to get along with each other, because all communication is only through their parents. And you come up with tasks for them. Send the children somewhere together: to the movies, for a walk, to the store, give them money, let them make shopping lists. Instruct the elders to pick up the younger ones from school, or have them take each other to school. It's easier this way, because classes start at the same time. Let the children have some secrets from you, and then they will definitely stop fighting and conflict. Let them have a common piggy bank. They save up for something there, exchange money for each other, agree among themselves, combine … The main thing is that together. It really strengthens the relationship. In an adult state, they will need to somehow be friends with each other, and this is all being laid down now.

Here are some tips from the American psychologist Katherine Quals on how to stop childhood fights:

- Calmly move the children away from each other so that no one harms anyone.

- Calm the fighters. Touch them gently. Look at everyone in a conciliatory manner, without judging or angry with anyone. If they are fighting over a toy, wait until they calm down.

- Treat with understanding and empathy for their anger towards each other, without denying or trying to reason with this feeling. Feelings that are treated with understanding and empathy lose their power. They lose their destructive charge. Help your child understand why he is angry, and lead him to the fact that he can simply express his feelings to his brother or sister.

- Teach your brawlers the ability to communicate culturally, respectful of the interlocutor. First of all, let your child remember such turns of speech: "I count", "when you", "I want you"

- Avoid passing judgment in a dispute, create the same conditions for both parties. For example, if two sisters are arguing about which book to read for them, create a level playing field for them (“put in the same boat”) by saying, “When the two of you decide which book to read, come up and tell me.” This will keep you from making a hasty judgment and having to choose which child to give your preference to, as well as teach them the ability to negotiate with each other and be responsible in resolving their own problems.


Philologist and writer, author of over 30 books. The main book series: "Tanya Grotter", "Methodius Buslaev", "School of Divers". The books "The Rebellion of Babies", "The Day of Babies", "The Mysterious Someone Out There" are devoted to the problems of parenting and large families. Married, father of seven children.