The first school years are always a difficult period in the life of not only children, but also their parents. First successes and failures, praise and tears of disappointment. A child has a long way to go, and how to make him less thorny, we were told by Denis Ivanov, an employee of the Scientific Center for Mental Health, head of social programs of the Association for Cognitive-Behavioral Psychotherapy, and a psychologist at the BeCBT center.
“A whole month before the beginning of September, and parents, abandoning books about awareness and the power of the moment now, have already begun their preparatory race for school: purchases, choice of circles, discussions with other parents. It is not surprising that many associate school with stress and problems, the psychologist explains. - We create the conditioned stimulus ourselves. We say "school" - we feel anxiety, we say "homework" - we feel even more anxious. This connection "stimulus-response" turns us into Pavlov's dog, which salivates at the sound of a bell. We learn to put our body on alert when we hear “school”.
The specialist emphasizes that such an approach, as well as a too serious attitude to study, lead to psychological discomfort.
“Unfortunately, this attitude towards learning has consequences in the future life. Psychologists often have to deal with affective and neurotic disorders, says Ivanov. Dysfunctional self-motivation styles are often at the root of these diseases. We were taught so that we just have to get five, not four. And how many pleasant moments are associated with phrases like “Study normally, otherwise you’ll be a janitor”, “I don’t have to blush for you at a parent meeting”
According to the psychologist, such attitudes of parents make children anxious and bring up a personality with low self-esteem in them.
“Most of the students I have to deal with do not know how to praise themselves, do not know how to create conditions for themselves when, after a little work, you can reward yourself with something pleasant. From an early age, they say that you can praise yourself, and then you will not do anything at all. The saddest thing is when, hearing this from their child, parents smile proudly. Such strict standards for oneself are a guarantee of high anxiety and low self-esteem. A person will never be happy with their results. High demands on himself will prevent him from meeting basic needs such as acceptance, security, healthy boundaries, self-expression and spontaneity (play). The whole style of upbringing, the phrases that the child hears are introjected, as if turning into his inner voice. Over time, this turns into a style of behavior, behind which are beliefs about how to and how not to act,”he says.
Denis Ivanov believes that most of the social phobias of an adult come from school years. Therefore, parents, first of all, should reconsider their approach to parenting.
“Parents set a model for attitudes toward all sorts of life problems. There is no need to turn into a storyteller and talk only about world peace. Our task is to demonstrate to the child that all problems can be dealt with, and for this he must be sure that he has someone to rely on,”says the psychologist.
Unfortunately, many parents who come with their children to consult psychologists themselves need them much more.
“Children with very high levels of anxiety come to consult with mothers who are even more anxious than their children. And here we can only recommend that they themselves seek personal psychotherapy,”the psychologist emphasizes.
He advises not to come up with additional problems, but to motivate the child to overcome them. This way you will solve your problems too.
“Be a wise parent not only for your child, but also for yourself. Your task is not to scare your child with stories about school, not to read the future, to forget phrases like “what if what if suddenly”, not to tell the child what he should or should not. Your task is to ensure his acceptance, to emphasize his value as a person, to help him find and express his talents, says Ivanov. - At the same time, no one cancels the boundaries, which are also important to learn how to set. But these are healthy boundaries when it’s not the voice of the critic “Get it together, rag” sounds, but the voice of a normal adult “It's not easy for you, but you can handle it, I believe in you”. Yes, school is a test, but your anxiety is already a consequence of your interpretation. Do not create additional tasks out of a real life task”.
